Q & A

This question came in from an annymous poster. This is another one where I really wish I could do this privately. But I don't have a way and I feel like it's important to give an answer even if I can't. So here goes.


Q: I have just recently become a Christian. I have been dating a guy for a while now. I had always planned to wait for marriage to have sex. When we first started dating we did not have sex and then after a while he broke up with me for another girl. Even when we were broken up he still called me and asked me to come over to his apartment everyday. When I would go over he would become more and more sexual. It seemed to me that every time I gave in a little more. Eventually, I lost the one thing I had vowed to keep. We got back together and he apologized for the time he left me. Now I have accepted Christ as leader of my life. I'm trying to live my life in the way I Jesus would want me to. He is coming to church and says he is following Christ too. On the outside our relationship looks great and he talks of marriage all the time. But there is something haunting me. You've probably guessed that it is we are still having sex. I keep it a secret. I am ashamed of it but I can’t stop. He isn’t ashamed of it though. He thinks that since we are in love that is all that matters. We get in fights because I want to stop having sex because it says in the Bible that sex should wait for marriage, he says that because we love each other and because we have already had sex that we are married in God’s eyes. It would be easy to say just break up. But here is the two things I have been struggling with. 1) I’ve tried to break up with him before, and he tried to commit suicide. 2) We are best friends. In fact, my whole world is wrapped up in him. He won’t seek counsel; he won’t take advice from anyone. In fact if he knew I was writing this he would be really mad. He cuts himself when I do something he doesn’t want me to do. He throws things, and breaks things when he is angry. Basically, if I leave him, he will hurt himself. On top of it all, I really do want it to work out. We need help, I need advice.


A: I know it took a lot of courage to write that email and ask for help. First of all I would say to you that the relationship that you are in is not healthy. The issues that you talked about in your email need to be dealt with before you pursue marriage any further. It is obvious that you feel conviction from God about having sex outside of marriage. That's the Holy Spirit telling you there is something in your life that is not what He wants for you.

First you need to listen to the Holy Spirit and end the sexual relationship that you are involved in right now. The Bible says that love is patient and if your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex, then he is not loving you in a patient way and does not have the type of love for you that is necessary for a husband to have for his wife. Stop having sex with him and you will see if he accepts you and loves you for who you are or if he is just using you to meet his own selfish desires.

Next you need to know that you are not married to him. I know that he said if you had sex that you are married in the eyes of God. That's not true. A sexual act does not make you married. God calls sex outside of marriage sin. He doesn't say it is the start of the marriage covenant. Your boyfriend is using this as an excuse to sin and manipulate you. God has designed sex to be between one man and one woman in the bonds of marriage. Anything outside that design is sin.

I feel like your boyfriend is controlling you with fear and is manipulating you by the talk of suicide and by cutting himself. I'm not saying that he's not serious. If he's suicidal, he needs to go to the hospital immediately for help. If he is cutting, and expressing suicidal thoughts, he really needs to seek the guidance of a professional Christian Counselor. If he is doing these things to manipulate and control you, you have to ask yourself if he really loves you. These are a character issues if they are being used as control. I encourage you to remove yourself from this relationship, and encourage him to get the help he needs. You deserve to be treated better than this. That’s not to say he might not be your husband one day, but he is not ready now, and until he turns to God and allows him to change him, you should not continue the relationship.

You also said that you don’t want to break up with him because your whole world is consumed with him. This is not God will. If this relationship has become the main focus of your life, it has taken a place that your relationship with God should have. Don’t let the fear of being alone; keep you from doing what the Holy Spirit is leading you to do. This is not a healthy relationship, and you need to remove yourself from the influence of this person who is seeking to control and manipulate you by fear and leading you to live in sin.

I will be praying for you. I feel strongly that you and your boyfriend separately need to seek out counsel about the issues you discussed. I would love to meet with him if he would be willing to talk about what is going on. We also have ladies on staff at Community Christian that would be happy to talk and pray with you. Let me know if I can answer any more questions for you or help you in any way. Send me your personal e-mail and I'll contact you.