I started this blog a couple of weeks ago writing about the scandal of God's grace. At the heart of Christianity is the belief that God loves people - all people - no matter what. If that is so then why do some of us not experience that love? Why is it that some people have such difficult circumstances in this world. I got this comment on a recent blog:
- "Because sex is so related to the underlying need for love let me ask you this. Why do some people have happy, loving childhoods and then go into happy loving adult relationships/marriages while others get the rotten childhoods and rotten adulthoods? This holds true for unchurched people as well so you can't say it's because they are living healthy lifestyles or come from Godly families.My recurring question for God is, "Why can't anyone love me?"
Okay blog contributors - I'm going to give a shot at answering this question before the week is out. But before I do let's work on this together. Is there really a God whose grace is scandalous and whose loves is higher than the heavens? If that is so then why is it some of us have such difficult lives? Send me comments of how you would answer this. I'll post them and we can all work together. Then I'll answer before the week is out.
NOTE: If you are the person who wrote this comment and would like to talk about this off the blog send me an e-mail address. I won't post it but I'll e-mail you personally.
5 comments:
Ok Here is my attempt to answer that question but, I actually ask that same question sometimes "Why do bad things happen to good people" kind of question. God is a loving father who does not wish or curse us with bad stuff. All bad stuff comes from the Devil (or evil). Then the question is: Why does the devil give some people "good" lives and others "bad"lives? The only thing I could come up with is that the devil hits you where you are most vunerable. If your life is full of earthly trials, that's where he thinks he can get you best. If your life is easy street that's where he thinks he can get you best with pride, or haughtiness, or detachment from others etc. Like with Job, the devil is there trying any which way he can to turn us from God. All of us have our trials in different ways.
Maybe the question to ask is who is it that really does love me? Why questions are so difficult to answer – maybe even at times impossible. I think when you ask who instead, you’ll find that unconditional God-love includes the many people you’ve come to know at Community Christian Church. In the past I asked the same question -- why can’t anyone love me, what’s wrong with me? One person in particular showed me the God-love that I had never experienced. No thing I said or did ended the unconditional love so freely given. It didn’t mean however, that the unconditional love came without truth telling – sometimes truth telling that was painful and even risky to the relationship. I can remember many times wanting to walk away from the relationship but this person never did – no matter what I said or did. The thing is that this was and is a process for me. It didn’t come quickly or easily but over time I’ve learned that it’s not that there is something wrong with me. Often, it’s more about the choices another person makes than something being wrong with me. The truth about people with rotten childhoods like mine is that God didn’t make them rotten – the people did. God often gets blamed for things he doesn’t do. I was sexually abused by a pedophile. He gained access to me through my severely dysfunctional family who denied and covered up the abuse. My parents not only told me that I was “telling tales on a nice man,” they also sent me to see him just to prove they believed him and not me. So the abuse continued. What I know now is that God didn’t do this. All of those events were the result of other’s choices. I think God’s protection for me when the adults wouldn’t protect me was the ability I had to disassociate – to put my mind elsewhere while bad things were happening. I learned several other ways of coping that worked well for me as a child but were harmful to me as an adult. The time came when I had to take responsibility for the choice I made in hiding the abuse from myself and others. Once I started taking responsibility for my own choices and my own feelings I began to get well. I am responsible for what I choose to do when I’m upset, or afraid or angry, etc. So I chose to learn new coping skills, new ways of thinking, and new ways of relating to people, new ways to find love and be loved. I chose to accept the unconditional love of Christ that I knew I didn’t deserve but so badly needed and wanted. I stopped trying to medicate myself with various things and I chose to deal with the pain of my childhood and my adulthood. I realized that unhealthy people are attracted to unhealthy people and healthy people are attracted to healthy people. That answers your question about why “some people have happy, loving childhoods and then go into happy loving adult relationships/marriages while others get the rotten childhoods and rotten adulthoods.” But even a person who grew up in a rotten environment can change and become a healthy, happy adult if they choose to do the hard work it takes to become healthy. Perhaps the biggest lesson for me is that it’s not my circumstances that dictates my happiness, it’s what I think and how I choose to respond to those circumstances. We figure out what the next right thing is to do and then we do it and God smiles. It’s about taking one next right step at the time and maybe that next right step is getting into counseling or just saying to God “Help me, I need you.” All I know is God didn’t do these bad things but he did provide the remedy – Himself and His Community.
You sound like you're in a lot of pain. I'm so sorry you have experienced such sadness and disappointment in your life. God did not design us to have terrible lives while growing up. In a perfect world, your parents would have convinced you that you are loved by them and God. And no one would have been able to convince you otherwise. This is what God intended for all of us.
Unfortunately, that's not what most of us experience. Parents are often consumed with their own problems or addictions, and some are downright evil. Thank God for Jesus! I speak from experience when I say that getting to know Jesus convinces me more each day that I am loved and valuable to God, despite a terrible childhood. And God has provided his people (the church) to love me unconditionally. I have experienced such healing in my life by clinging to Jesus and his people. Terrible disappointments in relationships still hurt terribly, but then I remember how much I am loved. And it is enough. Please don't choose more relationships that will reinforce the pain you experienced as a child. Ask a mature Christian to help you in your walk. You are so very loved and precious to God!
Sometimes we fall into behavior patterns in our relationships that result in unhealthy situations. I'm guilty in my own past of feeling that I wasn't worthy of real love, so I settled for less than I deserved or than what God wanted for me. God didn't cause my behavior or decisions, and I've since learned enough about grace to believe that He hurt greatly when I turned away from Him and His plan the way I did. I highly recommend the book "The DNA of Relationships" by Dr. Gary Smalley and also Dr. Smalley's web site. The wisdom in that book is so valuable. A hard lesson to learn is that we can control only what we do and how we think about ourselves and the things that happen. We can't do that for others. Until we figure this out we frequently repeat unhealthy choices and decisions. As I've heard one of my small group members say, "No relationship is better than a bad one." I think folks can be in love with the idea of love, and then convince themselves things will be ok in a relationship even when all the signs point in the other direction. I think God is there, and is trying to guide us. We just don't always open our hearts and listen to Him. Always remember that God loves you. And always remember that you are lovable and worthy.
I have had me trails over the past few years. I only new to trust God thru it all. Faith is what I lean on everyday. I will not give the devil the satisfaction of my soul.It was best put into words by my son. He and his wife lost a baby girl two years ago,they were heart broken,but he said it best..Doing this with Christ in my heart is the hardest thing I have ever done,doing this without Jesus would be unbearable.God Bless.
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